Q3 2023: Life by Sow Wrapped
Just like that, it’s October. The start of a new quarter. Which means… you guessed right. Just like that, it’s time to do our much-awaited quarter run through.
For those of you new here, I’m notorious for finding every excuse to meditate and reflect upon a specific series of events. Every birthday, I write a card to myself so I can read it the next birthday. Every New Years, I do a look-back of the previous year. But two days in a year is not enough; I crave for more. While reflection is a daily practice for all of us in varying forms and magnitudes, I like having conscious and deliberate beats in a year to sit and think about what just has been. I find that looking back at my life in quarters, closely aligning to seasons in a year really, has helped me find patterns and surprises, and harness the best type of energy moving into the next quarterly beat.
Here we go.
Chapter 1: Moods, Emotions, and Anxiety Escape Mechanisms
I’m not a fan of the summer - I’ve always said that I’m someone who’s experienced reverse seasonal depression. I never really thought about why, but when I think back at when I find myself the most emotionally volatile, it typically lines up to the summer months. Often marked by random meltdowns in my room, or anxious thoughts intoxicating my mind while driving, I desperately would cling on to the hope that something would change - circumstances or just a click in a switch in my brain. And then September would hit. And then I’d be ok. It’s like… magic. Or a doom spell for my summers. Depending on perspective.
Why does this happen? I’m not sure; it’s something that I’m still trying to figure out for myself.
But, this year, the summer actually treated me… okay? I met friends - both old and new, went on trips, traveled the world, spent quality time with my family, and got into a solid routine with boxing and running. It was a fun, productive, and active summer - everything I needed in a sunshine package.
There were definitely more moments I can only describe best as a “lull.” I’d do everything I wanted to do in a day, I’d spend time with people that were not myself, but I still felt a lingering sense of a lack of purpose. And it was in these moments, I’d catch myself overthinking. And to rid myself of my overthinking, I’d pack my calendar with distractions. And it would work.
I realized that that’s what I’ve done to avoid dealing with my anxiety - give myself no time to think about my anxiety. Loading days with to-do lists that warrant a full day’s worth of attention. Scheduling as many getaways as I can to avoid dealing with regular days that are just days - not good days, or bad days, but just days.
But most of our lives will inevitably be just days. For me to escape dealing with these days is not a sustainable practice. I scribbled in my journal about this on September 27 at 10:36 PM, so here is an excerpt.
Last time I had a long string of unremarkable days was July 2021. Since then, I’ve kept myself busy with constant rushes of remarkable days. Running against time, running against boredom. It’s been my formula for happiness, and it’s worked well. But for how long?
Strings of unremarkable days are bound to have expiries with pops of remarkable days - it’s what makes the remarkable days so remarkable. But to constantly be shortening these strings unremarkable days is going against the natural force of things. Let’s call it what it is - running with panic from unremarkable days so often, so used to the constant dopamine from endless strings of remarkable days, is an addiction issue.
Moving into next month, there’s only one question I want to answer for myself.
How do I find peace in the stillness that exists in the unremarkable days, without actually counting the end of the remarkable days down?
So, this summer wasn’t bad for me at all. It just had slightly more unremarkable days than remarkable days. But unremarkable days aren’t bad days. They’re just days that tend to be forgotten. But how wonderful is that?
Days with no stakes.
In a way, isn’t that remarkable in itself?
Chapter 2: Taylor Swift and Romance
Perhaps, we could argue that the energy of Taylor Swift that took over the world by storm through the summer is what made my summer brighter than usual, too.
As much as I’m joking, I’m also not. Her Speak Now re-release that came out July 7 combined with the Eras tour I went to in August repeatedly transported me back into my 12 year old self. I so palpably reminisced about baby me scream singing and making music videos of me on the keys and my childhood best friends on the guitar. All grown up (and still growing), I can’t find a better word than just, magical, to see how my notion of experiencing life in this world dramatically shifted, post all the hits of reality and jaded mindsets we absorb as we grow - yet, it’s still so similar to the amount of trust and hope I continue to carry with me that there are always new sparkles in life to unlock.
I’m not giving all the credit to Taylor, of course, but she’s been subconsciously a constant through my life, continuing to validate the way I perceive life and love.
She’s a romantic. She gets hurt, she writes about it. She gets hurt, she writes about it. She gets hurt again, she writes about it. But, she also writes about all the magic that was and that could be. And through all the hurt, she heals and stays a dreamer.
And when I see myself reflected in that perspective, that’s what makes her relatable at 12 and 25. All the innocence and hope in the world I had at 12 carries through as a glistening of hope through the hurt. An invisible string between that vision and the reality that is now is strong, and keeps me going.
But before this becomes a fan article for why Taylor should be cherished for generations, I’ll wrap it up by saying, a summer of Taylor inadvertently provided a space for me to reflect through the nostalgic joys while carrying with me beacons of hope that it’ll all get better - even through the lulls.
Chapter 3: Travel and Worlds Colliding
I was lucky enough to make several road trips through California for leisure, a wedding, and a giant family reunion. And through these trips, each time, there was a prolonged moment of my worlds colliding. Four days spent with my college friend and my second cousin. A weekend with my brother and a friend I made in the last year. A full day exploring the city with a friend that knew me for 10 years and a friend that knew me for a few months.
I always hated having birthday parties because I always hated the anxiety that came with bringing different groups of people together. Having lived in different cities and countries across my life, there tends to be a lot of those. What if someone feels left out? What if there’s awkward silence that plagues the day? What if they hate each other?
I forced myself to lose a lot of that obsession to control the situation this summer. And it went better than I expected. Different vibes filled the room, and different versions of me that often exist with different friends or groups had the opportunity to collide. It was a good time.
Outside of domestic travel, I also traveled to Japan and Australia, trips that occupied almost all of September. Japan was another moment of friendship collision - my college best friend and my ex-colleague-turned-best-friend-through-post-college-adulthood were my companions. We adventured through Kyoto, Tokyo, and Osaka together. The experience would’ve been fully different if I was with only one of them, or without one of them but with the rest of the same friend group we belonged to. It was refreshing to balance different vibes, wants, and ways of being. And the best part? None of my birthday party anxieties ever came to fruition. If anything, they found the common thread between them immediately: me and getting to roast me through the entirety of the trip.
As long as they had fun.
EPILOGUE: Q4 OUTLOOK
I told myself that I was going to force myself to sit through two months of unremarkable days. Days I didn’t deliberately plan to fill out of anxiety that they would be unremarkable. Just let them be. Just run with it. No, just sit with it. That was going to be my challenge through Q4.
Unintentionally, the weeks stacked up without me intending to. This quarter is about to be a busy one. But you know, I’m not upset about it. It’s the holidays! It’s a time for all the gratitude we have for friends and family.
So, just as I did intend, I’ll let it be. I’ll sit with it. Really just take in what is to come.
This is also my favorite season of the year. Ends of the year come with energy that comes with closures and transitions, leaving room for forgiveness, hope, and rejoice for new beginnings.
But it’s also the more literal things. It’s the season of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the best day of the year - my birthday.
And it’s also the even more literal things. Oversized hoodies, the toastiness of a room from the fireplace, the vanilla scented candles, the mulled wine and hot chocolate, the winter fashion that is arguably the best type of fashion to exist, and the snow.
I’m ready.
Sow , wish you a memorable Q4 of 2023 ! I wish you a blissful birthday in advance, enjoyed your article of true feelings and life experiences.