Q3 2024: Life by Sow Wrapped

to be standing next to a tree or to be looking down at the forest, that is the question.

Oh, how I missed the sweet, sweet sound of the clicking and clacking away of the keyboard keys.

After a 3 month hiatus and hiding away from the interwebs, I’m willing myself out of an unintended hibernation that I scared myself into taking.

At least for now, I exhale out all the remnants of stress, self-doubt, anxiety, numbness, and hesitation that had overcome upon me in these last few months. And I inhale in all the bits of love, joy, wonder, and careful confidence.

The air feels so crisp up here, I forget what it was like to always be the person I had been proud of growing to be.

Up here, I’m seeing the forest for what it is, instead of getting caught up amongst the trees and feeling lost within its canopy of darkness.

Up here, I’m reminded to not take myself too seriously - in the most liberating and cathartic of ways.

To be up here is to be the person who had meticulously built a sturdy ladder to withstand anxiety hurricanes that overcame her too often.

For the past 3 years, I’ve been doing the work to find more gratitude and slowness, and to cultivate a feeling of caring, but not caring too much about dreams and ambitions to the point where they ruin me. The change had felt palatable, real, and like something that was to stick.

So a few months ago, when I had waves of major anxiety knock me back onto the ground again, I was not ready to be swept away by the storms.

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I felt the familiar pressure of a self-seeded gauntlet of dreams, expectations, goals I haven’t yet reached, tightening its grip yet again. It was a weight I thought I’d learned to carry differently. But, no matter how much I tried to tear the dead weight away from myself, it showed up in the small moments and crept back into my headspace. I beat myself over the fact that I couldn’t defeat these fears and these old patterns instantly. If I really did do the work and grow in these past few years, why wasn’t the work shining through?

But just like the sunlight that cracks through the trees, the growth was omnipresent, even if it wasn’t obvious. raðljóst, they say in icelandic.

The work did not go to the graveyard.

The ladder carefully built through the years stands right in front of me. It’s not made of feathers; it’s rooted into the ground, unshakeable.

On good days, like today, I can scale the ladder easily and let the inspiration of the magical forest of possibilities, opportunities, and no-real-bad-outcomes guide me. On bad days, I can’t seem to climb back up the ladder, no matter how hard I try. Some really bad days, I can’t even seem to find the ladder, covered by thick fog.

But it still exists.

And somehow, I always seem to find my way back to it.

In contrast to 4 years ago or 8 years ago or 12 years ago, that’s an incredible shift. I can shake off the dust faster, and look up at the hope of the ladder, even if I can’t climb it up immediately.

And this time, instead of fully breaking down in a state of panic, I partially break down - and can also smell the flowers.

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What I have come to learn this past quarter is that old reflexes and deeply ingrained patterns return - and that’s okay. That is what makes us human: to carry pieces of our past and our rooted selves with us - the good but also the bad, the ugly, and the really, really, really ugly.

To live is to grow, but not to be perfect.

There’s been a lot that has shifted in these last 3 months - dramatic shifts in 1-year, 2-year, and 5-year plans in terms of some goals and dreams. Many parts of these plans have arrived with elements needing more urgency and heeding more importance, which is what knocked me into a whirlwind of newly found madness against ticking time. It’s also come at the mental cost of needing to re-wire my entire routine, spending less time with things I love like writing or the boxing, and with people I love, and with adventures and travels that keep me thriving.

And when you’re me, all of that is enough to make you feel like you’re lost in an abyss, losing control over your life and having all the joy and positivity within you be tried, tested, and drained.

But also, there’s three big reminders that me on good days tells me on bad days:

1. This phase is temporary. Like all storms, this one too shall pass. And know that this storm is not a reflection of what your life actually is and what it is capable of being.

2. Nothing has really changed. The present is the present, and the future continues to be unknown - as it always had been. The only new thing is that you’re seeing the future differently, but the nature of it is still the same. I never had it figured out, and I still won’t have it randomly figured out now. To want otherwise is impossible - and not fun.

3. And on that note - have fun. How exciting is it to have new things to care about and to work toward? Like we see in all chapters in our life, every success opens a path, and every perceived failure opens two paths. There is no bad outcome.

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This quarter has been one of those seasons where I’ve had to confront old habits, to sit with the tension of wanting so much while also feeling stretched thin by it all. But I’m also trying to trust that there’s value in this phase, too—that even when things feel stagnant or difficult, I’m still building something worthwhile.

And maybe, I’ll come to realize that the real prize isn’t in pushing through to the front, but in allowing myself to just take in the new lessons and realizations, as I look back at all the flowers blooming on the path I’ve been walking all along.

The ladder will always exist for me to look forward, but maybe I’ll learn to love, simply just, standing on the ground, sitting still, and still being able to take in deep breathes.

I might even think to myself,

The air down here is thick with the scent of pine and soil; I feel alive, with my feet planted into the ground, rooted deep in warmth, grit, and determination.

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Thank you for supporting Sweet Nothings. I know I’ve been away, and I probably will still be away from posting at my regular cadence until the weather calms down in my headspace. But, this was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done for myself in a while, so who knows - maybe you’ll see me here sooner than later.

As always, I would love to hear if there was anything that resonated with you, or if there’s any thoughts that come to the surface.

Until next time ♥