on not defining ourselves by our output | morning coffee crumbs #2

I was reading this newsletter by Ashley Lose when I came across this line, and deeply resonated with it.

“I'm dedicating this chapter of my life to no longer defining myself by my output.”

There is so much here that I resonate with - or rather, continually work to resonate with. For many of us, we do find ourselves defining our self-worth to what we tangibly do and accomplish, either because of the importance society gives it or because of the weight we put on ourselves. As we start our work week this Monday, I thought this would be a perfect sentiment for us to reflect about.

My life has always been reduced to to-do lists, schedules, planners, trackers.

I start my mornings with a to-do list, track my progress through the day on little cells on an Excel spreadsheet, plan my next day in my planner - and do this practice twice everyday. Physically in my Composition Notebook, digitally on my laptop.

Every time I tear myself away from these hyper-fixating practices, I run back to them like an addict.

This screenshot captures a mere, small selection of my several, several trackers from the last couple of years. Each one tracks every aspect of my life, from my sleep, mood, workouts, habits - some even tracking my activity by the hour to judge my productivity to see how I’m spending my time.

This might be a hot take, but I have to say that: I don’t actually think my need to extensively plan my life is a bad habit.

We all are built differently and require different practices to maintain focus, prioritize different things, or even, find fulfillment.

I personally find so much joy in building a routine and making to-do lists on a day-to-day increment. It is joy that comes from ticking things off, and feeling accomplished, like I’ve done what I set myself out to do.

But, what happens when I don’t tick off everything on my list? What happens when I stray away? Maybe I didn’t actually set out on that 3 mile walk and sat in my sofa after work watching an episode of The Great British Bake-Off while eating take-out instead, even though I planned to cook dinner that night.

I give myself grace 10% of the times. The rest of the times? I kick myself in the foot, hard. I write-off the rest of the day, I scramble to fit in the things I failed to do, I forget that one day will not hurt the bigger picture and make a whole, different tracker to reset progress, I crumble. One strike, you’re dead, reset the game and start over; I treat myself like I’m a soldier in Halo.

Routines and to-do lists are great. But so is living life at your will, even when they beat at a different pulse than that of your rigid structures and planners.

Can both co-exist?

I say, yes.

Two changes I’ve made in the last few weeks that feel like steps in the right direction:

1. I stopped tracking my progress on those Excel sheets. I effectively stopped scoring myself on a report card. No one likes receiving F’s. Especially not my self-esteem.

2. I stopped giving myself rigid goals on my to-do lists. Instead of writing down walk 5000 steps, I just write down “get at least 30 minutes of sunshine.” Giving myself preemptive flexibility and grace allows me to design my day by will real-time.

Only a few weeks in, but I feel so much better. I can allow myself to slip up without judgment (of myself). I can be less productive than I intended to be because I planned for that case too. I can live a life both adjacent and separate from my to-do lists.

Not all of us are married to this idea of schedules and routines to the degree that I am. But all of us do attach goals to some degree or another in our life, and by extension, often, to our self-worth.

But honestly - fuck that.

Treat each day like a carefully wrapped blessing, and nurture it right. Work towards your goals, dream intensely about your dreams. But also, treat your mind and body like a carefully wrapped blessing, listening to what they need from you and from the day. Allow yourself to do what they ask of you, even if that means straying away from The Path for a bit and catching yourself a breath.

Some reflections to accompany you for your Monday morning cup of tea:

1. What is your relationship between your goals/output and your self-worth/mood?

2. How much value do you place in how productive you are in a given day?

3. What does a good day mean to you? Is this definition of a good day tethered to your goals or daily achievements?

   1. If yes, where does that pressure to perform come from? What can you do to disconnect the two?

   2. If no, yay! This mindset is something I personally think we should all strive to have. But also, how do make sure you stay consistent with making sure you are still tracking in the direction of your goals?

4. What is ONE thing you can commit to this week to focus on your goals, but also give yourself more grace and freedom to just… be?

All of us are so wired so differently; I just know our answers to these would all be so different. Please let me know what your thoughts are in the comments!

Have a wonderful Monday, y’all.