the importance of taking yourself out on dates | morning coffee crumbs #3
an honest shpeal about how the practice of self-dates has literally changed my life
I would’ve hated to admit, but I’m late on publishing this article by 24 hours.
A Monday Column flying into inboxes on a Tuesday? No one probably would have noticed, but it’s something I was beating myself up through several of my internal monologues for the last 48 hours.
I only recently made this commitment to writing a little something at the start of every week, and so, it bothered me that I failed to stay consistent. But a little bit of journaling and reflecting made me realize that I need to practice exactly what I wrote about in my previous article.
This past weekend, and the 3 days leading up to it, were stacked with several commitments and plans. I barely had time to do much for myself - and when I did have a few moments, I stole them to just rest my brain and my body.
In hindsight? I’m glad I decided to put this out today, instead of yesterday. I hate the idea of writing feeling like a chore. I feel energized and not drained, as I write this.
This morning, I invite you to reflect upon the idea of prioritizing ourselves, unequivocally and before anything else. Just like most things that sound intuitive and obvious, I find that it’s still something that takes practice and intention.
Prioritizing ourselves means that we do things that align with our needs and wants, in ways that fuel our energy and mood, and not expend it.
Yet, often, we go about our everyday because of other people or for other people, because we’re caught up in an attention economy and glue ourselves to our screens instead of doing the things we may really want to be doing, because we act in accordance to what society may want from us, or because we forget to actually listen to ourselves in the same way we listen to those we love.
If you count every minute of our lifetimes, we would have spent a majority of it with ourselves.
When such is the reality, shouldn’t we strive to be the best version of ourselves, for ourselves?
Shouldn’t we find comfort in prioritizing ourselves by ourselves and not depending on other people to do that for us?
Shouldn’t we strive to be so deeply in love with ourselves so that we thrive by just existing and experiencing things?
Swiping Right on Myself
Truthfully, years ago in my young adulthood, I don’t think I can say that I ever loved myself enough to prioritize myself. I did things because I thought it would make other people happy, or because I thought society, including my friends and family, would value me more.
I even hated the idea of doing life by myself. Having no plans on even a weekday would immediately make me feel so alone. I placed so much value into my identity as a friend or companion, that I needed things to validate that identity on a daily basis.
But my identity as just a human-self? I barely paid attention to it.
This would eventually translate itself into feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, worthlessness, all leading to feeling directionless in life with no purpose, which would then throw me into cycles of anxiety.
It took years of work to re-wire these tendencies. Conversations with my dad, journaling, podcasting, stumbling upon things that would bring me a lot of innate joy (boxing, strength training, creating), and just growing up and facing the realities of adulthood head-on, all led to growing into someone who prioritizes herself first.
Still a work-in-progress, but I’m there now.
I swiped right on myself.
Taking Myself Out On Dates
My newest hyperfixation has been the practice of taking myself out on a date at least once a week.
Friday is my date day. And I look forward to this date all week.
I dress up and feel my best, just like I would if I was getting ready to go on a date. I go sit at the bar of my most favorite hand roll spot in Los Angeles, with my Kindle, or just my human wallflower self as I just eat and listen to peoples’ conversations. I grab some ice cream and read. And then, I do an activity - go to the beach, watch a movie by myself, go the farmer’s market, drive to a different neighborhood and go on a walk; the options are endless.
There is something that makes me feel so incredibly powerful when I’m doing all of this alone. It’s because I am affirming to myself that I had a choice to be here, and I chose myself.
By virtue of making myself a priority, I’m telling myself that I’m important. That I’m worthy enough of my own space, money, and time on my packed calendar. I remind myself that there is so much joy in just being on my own, and experiencing this life.
At the end of every self-date, I feel giddy, energized, and I’m looking forward to the next one - just like I may feel on the perfect first date.
Arguably, this feeling you cultivate for yourself may even be more special.
Nurturing this Forever Relationship
I cannot tell you how life changing this practice has been for me.
When you prioritize yourself enough to look your best and show up your best for yourself, and are not afraid to spend time with yourself for yourself, there is an undefined power that is unlocked.
You leave your comfort zone more. You’re more open to changing the course of your life, in little ways or in big ways, on your own accord. You stop caring about what the preppy girl in the corner with all her friends might think of you sitting alone; you actually start to feel like the cool girl being able to rock up and take on the day by yourself. You start lifting your head up more to look at more things and to listen to more things.
You might even start finding yourself make the mundane things feel a little different each time.
I’ve been subconsciously finding myself treat even grocery shopping, going to the gym, or working from home, with a little more intention, rather than just passively. I try to put on an outfit that I feel good in, whether that means baggy sweatpants or a nice dress. When I can, I try giving myself “surprise moments of adventure” so that the “chore” feels just a little bit more interesting. Like getting two new, never-tried-before snacks when I go grocery shopping. Or listening to a complete new album end-to-end during my strength workout.
It keeps every day feeling interesting.
It keeps every day feeling just a little different.
And it keeps spending time in your own company feel more invigorating, encouraging you to look forward to the next time you can carve out more time with yourself.
Put this on your to-do list for this week:
Take yourself out on a date this week.
It can be a small thing, like grabbing coffee or going to the bookstore. Or a bigger thing, like eating lunch by yourself or going to the movies by yourself. Or a full itinerary of curated plans, things that fit your boat and mood.
Regardless of what it is, promise me that it will be an intentional date. That you’ll show up in whatever way you feel best with the same energy that you show up with for a friend or someone you care about.
Maybe take a journal with you, or a book, or better yet - just put your phone away, and look around at the people or things around you. Take it all in, a meditation of sorts.
I’m not a scientist or a psychic, but I can guarantee that you’ll end up feeling better than you did before you took yourself on the date. I would love to hear all about it, after!
Some Journaling Prompts:
When was the last time you did something for yourself? Think of an activity or a hobby, and not necessarily a chore or everyday habit.
Do you spend your free time acting in accordance to your wants and needs?
If not, why? This could be because of a lack of time, lack of making it a priority, lack of knowing how to, or something else.
What would your everyday life look like if you were able to 100% commit to your wants and needs in the free time that you have?
What is one thing you can commit to this week to show up for yourself better? This could mean anything from dressing up in something that are not couch clothes when working from home, to dedicating more time towards a hobby you’ve been intending to do, to just spending less time on your screen.
Make your plan for your self-date this week. Think about the activity you hope to plan out, when you’re intending to do it, and what you hope to take away from it. Make a mental note to commit to it.
Please let me know your thoughts and feelings in the comments below! I would love to hear them.
Hoping the rest of your week is filled with little moments of self-inflicted joy and wonder ✨
Completely endorse a self date too - there is a lot of tranquility yet excitement in being able to be in isolation while out in the sun and around people and the chaos of community.
This is such a cool idea, I may just start doing these self dates once a week!